Ministering to Motherless-Daughters and Daughterless-Mothers on Mother’s Day

Me, my Mom, Grandmom & Great-Grandmom.
(4 generations of oldest daughters)

         For many, Mother’s Day is a joyous occasion filled with breakfast-in-bed using every dish in the kitchen, homemade gifts of handprints or pasta and a special day of pampering. But for others this joy is mixed with the emptiness of loss. Many of our congregants have lost their mothers, don’t have a good relationship with their families, have lost children, or never had children of their own. Since Mother’s Day observances have grown to be norm within our churches, we need to take special note that this day is one of mixed feelings for much of our congregation. I lost my mother to cancer when I was eight years old so this is a topic near and dear to my heart. Over the years I have seen Mother's Day services done very well, and some that just contributed to the feelings of loss. Based on my limited experience,  I have come up with a couple things that I believe can help ministers (and even lay persons) to be more intentional about the way we celebrate Mother’s Day (and Father’s Day) in our church services. Feel free to comment with suggestions,  experiences, ideas or rebukes. I know this is just one person's biased perspective.

1. Realize that not everyone is celebrating. This may sound like a no-brainer, but it is easy to forget that not everyone is on the same page.
2. Try to avoid setting up motherhood as the “ideal.” Most congregations have at least one or two women that never had kids, whether by choice or not. Doing so can contribute to these women feeling alienated, and as if they are not fulfilling some sort of societal or biblical role. 
3. Avoid overly sentimental music. One year at the church I attended the offertory music was a song in which the mother died of cancer in the fourth stanza. This caught everyone off guard and stirred up some very painful memories for a lot of folks. It’s better to stick with joyful and light songs. If you must do a sentimental song, warn the congregation first.
4. Avoid giving gifts, especially during the children’s sermon. For kids who have no one to give the gift to this can be a really awkward moment. For example, my church used to have all the kids in the congregation come up and get a rose to give to their mom. My sisters and I ended up having to give ours to our Dad every year. Eventually, we just stopped going to church that Sunday. If you must give gifts, doing so by placing baskets at the exits of the worship space is perhaps a better option. This still leaves people out, but is less obvious and people can more easily choose if they want to participate.
5. Be inclusive when recognizing the mothers. I’m against making the mothers stand for special recognition, but if you must do it, be mindful of the language you use. Acknowledge that some may have mother figures other than their biological mothers. Also, it’s good to say something in memory of mothers who have passed on. One of my former pastors, Dr. Lee McGlone, ends Mother’s Day recognitions by asking all who have mothers stand up. This gets the whole congregation standing and (usually) helps relieve some of the tension by getting a laugh.
6.   Create opportunities for those who have lost their mothers or children, or who cannot be with their mothers. One year I was throwing a pity party for myself about the upcoming Mother’s Day service, and my college church “adopted Dad” told me to suck it up, realize I wasn’t the only one hurting and minister to someone else who was as well. I wouldn’t recommend telling your congregants that, but Mother’s Day does allow for some unique ministry possibilities.
7.  Be especially aware of those who might be hurting. As a minister (or a lay person) this can be a good opportunity to minister. Pay special attention to those who have lost mothers or children in the past year. Try to send them a note or give them a phone call to encourage them through this difficult time.
8. Watch your sermon topic! I’ve heard, or heard about, many sermons that have been preached solely on motherhood. While this is a valuable topic, it’s not applicable to many of your congregants. You also have to be careful to avoid creating a picturesque version of a family that will be impossible for many of your congregants to live up to. It’s good to preach on families, or women in the Bible, but be intentional about what you say and how you say it. (See #2!)
9. Avoid Mother’s Day themed services. You can still acknowledge and celebrate Mother’s Day without it becoming the whole focal point of the message. This will help deal with many of the other points I’ve made about being inclusive and intentional.
10. Celebrate! I know much of what I have said seems negative, but you can reframe Mother’s Day as a time of celebration in Christ. Discussions of God as our creator are typically confined to Father’s Day, but there’s no reason why we can’t do so on Mother’s Day as well. Just as our mothers gave us life, so the creator of life itself is God.

My church college ministry "adopted mom," Jeanie.

I don’t hate Mother’s Day. In fact, I use it as a time of remembrance and rejoicing of the time I had with my mother. It has also become a celebration of all the mother figures I have had in my life. Although I only had my mom for 8 years, God has provided many women that have been godly role models and have ministered to me through the years. Perhaps the most influential of these being my college church ministry "adopted Mom." That being said, I feel we need to be more deliberate about how we celebrate Mother’s Day in our churches. This Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, try to be inclusive and intentional in word and action in order to reach out to all in your congregations.