Never The Same Again

 Today's post comes from something we talked about in my Crisis Counseling class today.  I figured I'd walk you through the same thing we did, and give my thoughts on the topic.

First, pull out a blank sheet of paper.

Next, write your name in big bold letters right across the middle of the page.

Then, crumple up the paper into the smallest wad possible. Really scrunch it up and kinda beat it into the smallest shape you can.

Then, try to straighten the paper back to it's perfect original shape. No wrinkles, no rough edges...the exact state it existed in before you squished it up. 

In case you didn't notice, it's absolutely impossible to do. Once you've crumpled the paper up it will always have the scars of injury upon it. Even taking a hot iron to it will not completely restore it to it's former glory. That piece of paper represents our lives, and every tragedy that we have faced, regardless of how big or small it seemed at the time. There is nothing that we come through wholly untouched, and we are never the same after having undergone such things. For better or worse we have been changed. We may heal and and come to a place of understanding, but those scars will always be there either physically, mentally, or emotionally. It's interesting to think how the traumas we face in our lives impact us and influence us drastically, especially if not properly faced and cared for. This is not meant to discourage us and cause us to think that we'll never get over something traumatic that happens, but just to help us understand that having undergone that situation becomes a part of who we are. Just as the  paper is still useful for many things, it can still be written on, used to make a paper airplane, pretty much everything it was useful for before, we too can come through trauma and still live up to our full potential as human beings, although that may ultimately look different than what we had originally planned.

Sorry if today is a downer post, it's not meant to be. I somehow felt reassured by this discussion in class; like although I have all these painful emotional scars that will never fully go away, I'm still going to be able to deal with them and look past them to have a full productive life. Who knows, maybe I'll even be able to help someone else dealing with the same kinds of things. I'm really looking forward to taking this Crisis Counseling class this semester on one level, but on another it's going to be like "putting your emotions through a meat grinder." This is the advanced warning, that some of my overflow from the class may end up being dumped into the blogosphere :)

Sing, Cry, and Dream

Since school has officially begun for the semester I thought I'd pass on something from my ethics class today. Our prof split the class up into groups of 3 or 4 people, with the requirement that you not be very familiar with at least one of the people in your group. He then told us to take some time and get to know each other by answering these three questions: What makes you sing (or so happy that you want to burst out into a musical number)?, What makes you cry (or makes your heart and soul ache)?, and What makes you dream (either something that triggers dreaming, or a dream for the future)?. It was a  neat exercise and a good way to get to know someone quickly, so I thought I'd repost my answers here, and ask you for yours. Please comment back with your thoughts!

What makes you sing?

After spending my first summer living totally and completely on my own, I really came to appreciate my "adopted family." It was really hard for me to only see my real family for a week this summer, and all my college friends had gone home for the summer so there were times I was extremely lonely. Just being able to go over to their house, and sit and watch MSNBC ("Mom's" favorite channel) with them, gave me a sense of belonging and fellowship that just filled my heart with joy. I felt like I was a part of their family, especially when we went from dinners complete with centerpiece to sitting around the living room eating. I cherish all my college friends, and the relationships I strengthened with many of the adults of the church over the summer, but it still feels great to really be accepted somewhere. And their dog, Beau, heals my heart whenever I'm having a rough day :)

What makes you cry?

There's a lot of things that make my heart ache, but right now the one that springs to mind is my grandmother with Alzheimer's. I just hate the thought of a disease that makes you lose all your memories, all your  friends, and even who you are. The worst part is that there is no cure, so all you can do is watch your loved one slowly slip deeper into the abyss.

What makes you dream?

I dream of making a difference in people's lives.Whether this is just the people around me, or someday reaching out to the masses through some medium doesn't really matter to me. I just hope that in the end, I'll be seen for brightening up the world I'm living in. Kinda corny and broad, but right now I don't really know exactly what I want to end up doing. If I had to choose something specific at this point, I'd have to say I dream about someday writing and publishing a book that would help people who have gone through some of the same things that I have. I hope I can use my life experiences to help others and give them hope, that they can make it through to the light at the end of the tunnel.

Small Town Excitement

The new semester begins tomorrow so as per OBU custom, we had registration today. We have to wait in line and get signatures on the schedules we made up before last semester ended. It's a wholly frustrating process that all of the upperclassmen dread. Today was completely and totally different. About 10:30 this morning some idiot decided to rob one of the banks downtown. The guy then stole a car, drove it about 4 blocks and abandoned it right beside my apartment!! He then took off on foot around the outskirts of our campus and over the nearby river. He was caught roughly two hours later on our soccer fields, which are at least 2 miles from my apt. Our school has a really sophisticated warning system so they sent out texts, emails, and other messages telling students to get inside the nearest building and remain there until further notice. I was in the shower at the time this all started, and when I got out and saw the text I figured it was no big deal and got dressed and got ready to go register. When I stepped out my front door I was absolutely shocked to find 3 or 4 state trooper cars outside my apartment. They were combing the abandoned vehicle for evidence, and right after I snapped the above pic on my iphone from my balcony, they pulled the suspect's pistol from the front passenger seat. It was completely and totally surreal. At no point was I, or anyone else on campus in direct danger, but it was still a pretty scary thing. I had planned to register at 10:30 which would have put me outside my apartment at about the same time this all started. I've never been so glad I decided to sleep in for 10 more minutes! I snapped these pics on my iphone and sent them to the school paper and to a friend's online paper which covers all of Southern Arkansas. You can check out the story there if you want. I've been guilty in the past of kinda ragging on the Arkansas State Troopers (police) and comparing them to the much better equipped and trained Texas Troopers, but I was so thankful to have those guys here today. I just sat out on my balcony and watched them search the car, and search all the cars coming from campus, as well as not letting anyone go towards campus. I also got to overhear them talking and their walkie-talkies, so I was passing information on to my friends in the dorms, who had no real idea what was going on. I just thank God that the situation was resolved without anyone getting injured, although there were reports of gunfire on the street over, and that I was later leaving the apartment than I had planned. I'm not one to dabble in what-ifs, but I could have very easily been in the wrong place at the wrong time this morning.

So we had our first exciting start to a semester ever. Classes begin tomorrow and I'm pretty excited about this upcoming semester. I'm taking a bunch of really fun subjects: Christian Ethics, Christian Theology (examining the different theological viewpoints on many issues), Crisis Counseling, Senior Seminar (YAY!), Women in Ministry (exploring different views on women's roles in ministry), and a class on Romans. I'm looking forward to playing devil's advocate a bit in some of these classes, especially Christian Theology, because they are more discussion based and I have a little bit more liberal view than most of the other students. The one thing I really love about my school is they don't tell us what to believe, but rather present us with all the different views and allow us to debate, discuss, and decide for ourselves what we think. I can't believe I'm starting my official senior year!! And what a way for it to start!

LOL: Just realized that as a photographer, it's kind of ironic that my first "published" photograph came from my iphone. The photo was picked up by The Magnolia Reporter, and will hopefully be used by the campus paper and/or news bureau. Not exactly how I thought that would go down.

On Being Alone

Apologies again for not having posted or visited blogs in so long. The past couple of weeks have just been a bit of a blur, and I haven't had much time for thinking, much less writing and reading. Things should calm down a bit, and I'm going to try to catch up with what everyone's posted lately.

Just feeling plain lonely tonight. Wishing I had a significant other to curl up on the couch with. Someone I could come home to, and talk about my day and theirs. Wishful thinking on my part. I really do love living alone, but sometimes I just really long for someone to share my life with. I've always been a farily independent person, but lately it just hasn't been enough. My life is full of good friends, family, and adopted family, but it's still not complete. My best friend (who I also fell head-over-heels for but alas it is unrequited) is in the Navy SEAL training program, and, though we text every day, it's just not the same. Our conversations mostly center on me reassuring him that he'll make it through, and doing the job that his girlfriend would normally do, but for some reason doesn't. We had a dtr (define-the-relationship) discussion before he left and decided that we were just meant to be friends, but it feels like I'm putting the kind of work into our friendship that I would be putting into a relationship. It's just made me really ache for someone to be there for me in the same way I'm there for him. And it really sucks to love someone, really love them for who they are, and not have it returned in the same way. I see all the other students my age getting married, buying houses, and even having kids, and it just makes me realize what I'm missing. I know that at the right time the right guy will come along, but so help me I want that time to be now.

I've always been independent and on my own, but for that past couple weeks I've caught myself double-checking the door at night to make sure it was locked, and other things that have never bothered me before. I'm glad all my college friends will be returning soon from summer break, and I've really enjoyed the extra time I've gotten to spend with my adopted family and other friends this summer. Tonight I was feeling so lonely I emailed my "Mom and Dad" and ended up just going over to their house for a while and hanging out with them and loving on their marvelous dog, Beau. An offhanded comment today made by a friend made me really miss my Mom and my family back home, and since I can't be with them, I was so grateful for my adopted family and their open arms. Sometimes I just want someone to hold me and tell me it's all going to be okay. I know I'm not alone, but some days it just really feels like it...

Update: In one of my "recent" posts I talked of trying to decide whether or not to stay at college for the full 4 years or graduate early. I went ahead and decided to stay, and am really happy and at peace with my decision. Thanks for all the wonderful words of wisdom :)

Late Night Wanderings

Okay...so maybe they aren't that late night...I started out about 7:00pm to get some pics around campus just cause I had the shutterbug itch. Walking to campus I ran into TC and ended up hanging out at their place for about an hour or so since I probably won't see them for a bit. By the time I left, it was really too dark to take shots by hand, but I came up with a couple keepers. Let me know what'cha think! My favorite is the last one. It was taken purely by chance; as I held my camera to get the shot, I noticed my shadow looked like a soldier saluting. Probably one of my favorite photos I've taken.

My neighbor's bike.

The Flag Plaza Fountain, where flags are flown representing each country our students are from.

The door to Berry Chapel. Always thought it was daunting at night for some reason.

Just thought this was cool...

Memorial to all the Ouachitonians who gave their lives in World War II.

The words that form the cross read:

Almighty God, merciful Father of all mankind, hear my dying petition. Inspire those who shall live in the world to see the futility and the tragedy of war. Fill their hearts with love of thee and their fellowmen. Grant unto them courage and wisdom to guide our world into a lasting peace. May my supreme sacrifice help those who shall come after to remember the terrible cost of war and then I shall not have died in vain but in service of thy Son, the Prince of Peace. Amen.

Should I stay or should I go?!?

Ack! I've become that person I despise, not writing for over a week without a word of warning...my sincerest apologies for not having kept up with your blogs either! The past week and a half has just been so crazy that writing has been the farthest thing from my mind. I haven't even picked up the camera in two weeks!!

Lately, on top of weird busyness at work, my mind's been eaten up with trying to figure out my plan for this school year. Right now I'm set up to graduate in December (provided I pass the Biology CLEP Test), I've been accepted into a graduate program, and I've got a part time job lined up with the National Guard (but I haven't signed a contract yet). But as nice as all that is, I find myself not quite ready to move into it yet. I'm trying to decide if I've got the senior jitters, or if this is something I really want to do. I'm not even sure what I really want anymore. I've got the option of taking 12 hrs in the spring and staying here. My job is mine for as long as I want it and I could even pick up another part-time one and save up to get ready for seminary. It's even possible that I could live off campus for free, and be able to just save a lot. The biggest reason to stay would be that I'm just totally burnt out on school, and have been for a while. This may sound like I'm just complaining, but I've ended up having to put up with a lot of other stuff on top of school during my time at college, and it would be nice to kind of take a semester for myself. I'd have to take classes to avoid paying on my loans, but I could take classes that I'd enjoy and wouldn't be too difficult. I could still gain experience in my field by keeping my current job, and I think I still have a lot to offer them which would be enhanced by my being here to see some projects through. I could take some time to recoop from these past semesters, and still be doing stuff to help my career. I know that I'm going to have to spend at least 2-3 more years in school, and probably more like 5-6 since I want to get my doctorate, and I feel need a break. It's a decision I know I have to make on my own, and one I need to make soon, but I'm trying not to worry about it too much. The best advice has been if I want to stay, to make sure I'm doing it for the right reasons, and I believe I am. I think I'm going to start check around to see if the seminary will hold my spot another semester, if my college will let me live off campus, and talk to my boss just to see what my options are. I know this post is pretty random, but I just need to try to sort out my ruminations because they're driving me crazy and not letting me sleep. Ugh...just a lot running through my mind these days. Any helpful suggestions from my friends from the blogosphere?

Note to Self: While jogging/working out to try to clear your head of school-related decisions, do not use the jogging path that winds all over the school...it's completely counterproductive.