Forever Friends

My Christmas Adventures:

It's been a pretty tough past couple of weeks. Seems like everything I've touched has broken. My car broke down when I drove home for Thanksgiving, then was broken into after I got back to school and my GPS and a backpack full of notes and books were stolen. Then during finals week my computer died. The operating system just completely shut down and all I got was a blank screen with a cursed cursor blinking at the top (thank you PC). I ended up taking less than adequate grades in several classes because all my research for final papers/projects was on my computer. And a bunch of other smaller things just went wrong.

So, I didn't start the holiday season in much of a good mood. And on top of that the holidays have never been a favorite time of the year for my family. Dad always gets depressed because he misses Mom, and he can never buy us presents as money is tight this time of year. H has a birthday right before Christmas, and hates that it always gets forgotten in the rush of the season. S is pretty much ambivalent about it all.

And then there's me. I love Christmas. I always have. While some folks think about all the stuff they won't get, or all the stuff that's gone wrong the past year, I tend to look at all the good stuff happening. I love how people are just nicer at Christmas. All over the world people are celebrating some sort of holiday season. We all celebrate time with family, friends, and the blessings of the year though we do it through the eyes of many cultures and religions. There's just something special about knowing that all over the world people are celebrating together.

This year it was extremely hard for me to get into the Christmas spirit. I've had some disagreements with some folks in my family, and I didn't really want to face them again until the wounds had started to heal. Because I work at a church I ended up spending the holiday break at my apartment instead of home with the family. They ended up coming to visit the grandparents so I did get to spend Christmas day with them. It took until Christmas Eve for me to really get into the spirit of the season. I worked at our church's Christmas Eve service, and after I went over to join my "second family" because it was too late for me to drive to where my Dad and sisters were. TC and JC have a Christmas Eve dinner with all of their family over (who I know through church and other outlets) and I just had an amazing time. For some reason it hit me that even though this year, and particularly this semester, have been incredibly hard I have been surrounded by people who love and care about me. Just to know there are people I can turn to when I'm having a tough day has been the biggest blessing of this year.  I simply sat and took it all in, realizing this was what I loved about Christmas, spending time with those I loved (whether related by blood or not). These people are my family, and I love them dearly. I have many people here in my home-away-from-home that have taken care of me through this past troubling couple of months, and I can never tell them how much they mean to me. Realizing that was probably the best gift I received this Christmas.

"Sometimes in life, you find a special friend. Someone who changes your life just by being a part of it. Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop. Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world. Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it. This is forever friendship. When you're down and the world seems dark and empty, your forever friend lifts you up in spirit and makes that dark and empty world suddenly seem bright and full. Your forever friend gets you through the hard times, the sad times and the confused times. If you turn and walk away, your forever friend follows. If you lose your way, your forever friend guides you and cheers you on. Your forever friend holds your hand and tells you that everything is going to be okay. And if you find such a friend, you feel happy and complete because you need not worry. You have a forever friend, and forever has no end." 
---Unknown

Latin Beer Blessing

This almost makes me wish I was Catholic. It's a beer blessing from the Rituale Romanum (no 58). A friend showed it to me, and I thought it worth passing on, first in Latin then in English. The photo is one I took this fall and just really enjoy. Cheers!

Benedic, Domine, creaturam istam cerevisae, quam ex adipe frumenti producere dignatus es: ut sit remedium salutare humano generi: et praesta per invocationem nominis tui sancti, ut, quicumque ex ea biberint, sanitatem corporis, et animae tutelam percipiant. Per Christum Dominum nostrum. Amen

Bless, O Lord, this creature beer, that Thou hast been pleased to bring forth from the sweetness of the grain: that it might be a salutary remedy for the human race: and grant by the invocation of Thy holy name, that, whosoever drinks of it may obtain health of body and a sure safeguard for the soul.

Through Christ our Lord. Amen.

To The New Owner of My GPS

Dear Grinch,

I do not know why you chose to break into my car today and steal my GPS. I have decided, however, to bear no ill will against you. You obviously needed it more than I did. I hope you have a Grinch-style revelation this Christmas, and find new direction for your life. I do wish you would return my backpack as it has textbooks and class notes that I would dearly like to have. I'm glad you did not break my window as you did my friend's, or steal my purse as you did my neighbor's. Sure it's just one more thing in a week that has been full of everything I touch going wrong. But, since it's only stuff, I will replace it. I'm not happy about your decision to rob my car, but I refuse to let you ruin the Christmas season for me. Enjoy your new GPS. TomTom was good to me, and I know he will be to you.

With Christmas Cheer,
Cindy Lou Who (a.ka. Ruth)

"Fighting"

Here's a poem I penned a couple of days ago after having a rough day. I showed it to my "adopted dad" and he quickly reminded me that I am not alone and that I am surrounded by people who sincerely care about me. With that said, we all have days we feel no one understands what we're going through, and sometimes that no one even cares. I just happen to have one of those when I wrote this.

I have realized how blessed I am; that even in the midst of struggle there are those who are caring for me, encouraging me, and just simply listening to what I have to say. I will probably never be able to fully express my appreciation for them. Still not much for poetry, but I know some of you will understand where I'm coming from on this. I do want to reiterate that I am not depressed or anything, I just had a rough day and this seemed the best way to express myself.

Fighting
I'm fighting.
Struggling to keep my head above the surface,
Longing for my feet to touch land.
But still the waves come,
Stronger each time,
Sapping my strength,
Causing me to sink.
The first wave hit so long ago.
Scared and alone, I was pulled out to sea.
Though I fought, and fought,
The waves struck again.
They reached out
Offering hands of peace.
Instead the hands turned against me,
I was held under,
Struggling, screaming silently,
Hoping for someone to care.
But no one did.
I was alone.
The waves came again and again,
Before one had passed another struck.
I weaken with each passing day,
Fighting still, hoping you will see
You stand on the bank,
Watching the waves crash over me,
But not caring.
Not moving to help,
Or even sounding the alarm.
Instead you yell, "Just have faith."
"I have faith," I gasp,
As the water pulls me under once again.
Faith one day the water will calm,
The storm will pass.
But for now,
I'm fighting.
Weak. Scared. Alone.
I'm so tired of fighting.
-R. Bryan

Photos from Home

Visited my Dad and sisters for Thanksgiving this weekend. Here are some pics from S and I horsin' around. Felt really good to be back in Texas, and even better to be around Max, Matilda, and our horses (and the fam of course!). Hope you enjoy 'em.  More on the way!



Maximus Rex





Just A Little Too Close




Barn Doggie Dog




Ssh.




Baby's Winter Coat




Best Buds




Matilda




Big "Bear" Hug




Let's Fly Like The Wind




Standin' Tall



Life as a Monochromatic Mouse Master

From chasing virtual mice, to tangling with a mean ball of string, to hiding under his favorite basket, Milton is always on the go! Here's some pics I snapped of him doing what he does best. Enjoy!



Don't Treat Me Like I'm Broken

This is just something I wrote after a conversation with a friend yesterday. We were talking about the pain of my past, and the chore I am facing of confronting and dealing with it all. He was intrigued that I didn't want to be pitied, and this is what came from that discussion. I make absolutely no claims to be a poet or a writer of any kind, but as this is from the heart, I thought I would put it out there for discussion. Hopefully a better photo will be by in a bit, after I get home from work. Let me know what you think. Blessings to you all.


Broken
Don't treat me like I'm broken,
An object to be pitied.
You see the cracks, the wounds,
But I am so much more.
My hands though scarred and shaking,
Still serve joyfully.
My guilt and pain are evident,
My shame plain to see.
But they do not define me.
I am more than my scars.
They will heal with time.
Your love and care surround me,
Your listening ear my strongest comfort.
I need your friendship, your patience,
As I wrestle with my past.
But don't treat me like I'm broken,
I'm afraid I will not last.
I cling to hope,
A plan, a purpose.
I know I am not alone.
My life, though streaked with pain,
Is overwhelmed by grace.
I'm scarred, shaken, beaten,
But I am free.
I am me.
-R. Bryan


"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." - 2 Corinthians 4:8-9.

Pieces

Here's a poem a friend of mine wrote about her parent's divorce. It describes a lot of the same way I feel about some things that are going on in my life right now. I got her permission to put it on here, and I think it's definitely worth sharing. Took the pic on my iphone so it's a little blurry, but i thought it was cool. Hugs to all of you who read this! I hope you have had a good week, and if not, well, tomorrow's FRIDAY!!

Pieces:

There’re cracks in the façade I show to the world,

Screams shouting silently, yearning to be heard.

But I’ll play my role a bit longer.

There are shattered sharp splinters of broken-down heart,

Piercing through the costumes that keep them in the dark,

But I’ll stitch up the tears a bit longer.

There are tears running silently down the walls of my soul,

Longing for the day they burst forth, break a hole,

But I’ll bottle them in a bit longer.

There are words yet unspoken, lurking there in my core,

Waiting deep down inside, for the day they’ll spill out,

But I’ll keep them stored up a bit longer.

There are moments of sadness, of grief and of pain,

There’s no time to deal with them, to watch them spill down a drain,

So I’ll shore up the dam a bit longer.

There are tiny, twisted, terrors that peek through my eyes,

Trying to show the world I’m pretending, that it’s lies,

But I’ll blink so you miss it a bit longer.

There are nights wasted sleepless, unable to dream,

Circles beneath my eyes are not just what they seem,

But I’ll cover them up a bit longer.

There are days when the mask I wear slips from my face,

When I look as I feel, tired and failing in the race (to look okay),

But I’ll wear my mask a bit longer.

If there’s an end to this tunnel of darkness and hurt,

Where the pain should all stop and the words not seem curt,

But until then I’ll hurt a bit longer.

There’s a hope springs eternal, or so I’ve been told,

Where grace heals up the wounds that until then bleed cold,

But I’ll stop the bleeding in place a bit longer.

There’s a place where the scars of what’s happened so far,

Fade into the background and don’t show somehow,

But until I get there, they’ll show a bit longer.

There’s a time when this struggle will end in a draw,

When everyone’s lost and they’re at the literal last straw,

But I must not be there yet, it’s a bit longer

But to make it there, I must last a bit longer.

God is it close? I can’t do this much longer.

© Ananda M. Boardman 2010

New Jeans

I'm not a big shopper...okay, I actually HATE shopping. I can never find stuff that fits my body type, and since I grew up shopping with my Dad (who, bless his heart, did his best but loves to walk around in overalls and cowboy boots), I have absolutely no fashion sense. But the one thing I love about shopping is when you finally find something that fits. Something that I feel I look good in (even if it may not be 100% truth that I do). I really love when I get a pair of jeans that has the perfect fit. I don't have the money to shop at places that would get me stuff that really fits well, I'm more of a TJ-Max and Wal-Mart shopper, but occasionally I find something that just makes my day. I've been needing to buy new jeans for a while, but have been putting it off because of how traumatic shopping normally is for me.  because I tore a hole in my favorite jeans a little while ago and it had finally gotten so big that I couldn't wear them, I decided that on my lunch break I was going to see what the local store had that would come close to fitting. I found one pair that was okay, but not great and on my way out saw some that looked comfortable and were my size so I went ahead and bought them. When I got home I tried them on, and they were great! Comfortable, and loose fitting, but still somewhat stylish. I just love the feeling of jeans that fit. Just makes my whole day better. So I sit here bored at work, but content in my new jeans. No one else has a clue that inside I'm just like a little kid jumping up and down for sheer joy. I normally hate shopping, but new jeans just put a smile on my face and a song in my heart (especially when they're on sale!).

Where Life Is

Just figured I'd write an update about what all has been going on in my life lately, and why I have been so horrible about posting.

First off, juggling classes and work this semester has been way harder than it was last year. Even though I'm only taking 12 hrs of classes and working 20 hrs (at least getting paid for that much anyway, I really work closer to 25), but the classes I am taking require A LOT of reading. I think our profs are trying to get us ready for graduate level classes or something. It's all interesting stuff, but it just takes so much time to read through all of that. Also, we're going through a bunch of changes at work, and I'm in the middle of spearheading the new communications outlets. We're redesigning the website, publications, logos, pretty much everything that the public sees coming out of our office. It's been a great learning experience, but it requires more work and thought than I had to do last semester. Not complaining, I'm actually really enjoying it, but I don't have too much time left over.

Secondly, I've been trying to spend more time with friends. My "Crisis and Trauma Counseling" class just leaves me absolutely drained and one of the things the prof suggested for all of us was to try to surround ourselves with friends whenever we had class or were doing work for class. For me that's meant going over to the adopted family's house. The class has brought back some painful memories, and I have really enjoyed having my "adopted mom and dad" to talk things through with and to just simply hang out with. Loving on their dog, Beau, always helps me calm down after a troubling day. One of my favorite things to do is go over to their house after dinner and sit and watch the news with them while doing my homework. I don't have cable at my apartment so it gives me a chance to keep up with current events, and to not be so lonely. And they help keep me accountable for getting stuff done. I can't come up with the words to say how grateful I am for them or how they have truly become a part of my family. Saturdays and Sundays have become football days for TC and I. I go over and help him with stuff around their house until the Razorback/Dallas Cowboys/New Orleans Saints game comes on, and then we sit back and argue about which team is going to win. I think he enjoys rooting against whatever team I cheer for...especially if it's a Texas team.

Also, a lack of something to write about. Most of what's been going through my head lately is just too personal to release to the masses (or even the 7 of you who might read this). Little things have flitted across my mind, but posting photos is about all that I can handle at the moment. I've been reading and keeping up with everyone else's blogs, but have just had a complete lack of inspiration for things to post on my own. Hopefully, I will do better about posting some things on here. I'm determined to post about the good things that are happening in my life. Right now I'm concentrating on those, and using that to help remind me of how blessed I am. Your blogs have been a continuing source of laughter and comfort and I dearly love them all.

I just got back from a Chaplains Conference in Texas that was absolutely amazing. Really helped affirm what I want to do with my life, and that I am not alone in my quest. I also finally got to sit down with a National Guard recruiter and got the process of joining up started. I won't actually be able to put on a uniform and work as a chaplain until I graduate in May, but I can get all the paperwork/medical stuff done before then. This is a really big and exciting thing for me! It was good to be in Texas as well, although it was tough to be so close to my family and not get to see them. I haven't been home since July 4 and won't be able to go back until Thanksgiving. Really missing Dad, the sisters, and my precious puppy dogs.

I promise to do better about posting, even if it is just pictures :) Thanks to you all for hanging with me through my drought and hopefully my muse will raise his lovely head once more and quickly!

Oh, one more thing, GO RANGERS!!!!!!

Just Another Lazy Saturday

Cat-ch Me If You Can

Sorry for the cheesy post name, but I couldn't think of anything better this late at night! And I apologize yet again for my lack of posts...life is just really crazy at-the-moment. Here are some photos from my attempts to stalk an 8-month-old kitten, Milton. He moves quick and it was a low light setting so they aren't the best quality, but he is so cute that I just had to share. Enjoy! I'll try to post something other than pictures this week, but no guarantees.

Something My Camera Caught

Pics from spending the day with the adopted fam. Let me know whatcha' think!

Biker Chick

Yesterday some friends and I went shopping and I bought a great new faux leather (can't afford the real stuff) jacket. When we got back from dinner and shopping we decided to stay up and watch a couple DVDs in honor of my receiving some bittersweet news from a friend. As we drove up to the DVD rental place we saw a girl talking to three guys in a truck. When we got out of the car we heard "Well, the nearest booze is an hour away, and the women there really aren't that beautiful." The guys seemed dejected and pondered for a moment what to do.  Then they saw me standing in my new jacket, and one yelled out, "Hey are you a biker chick?" The friends muttered something as well about looking cool. I quickly stammered a negative response, trying to do everything I could not to crack up.  The guys seemed dejected and drove off. We asked the girl what they had been looking for, and she responded they said they were from New York, and were looking for a gentleman's club. However, their lisence plates were from AR and they had other indicators that they were from the same college as us. We just shrugged it of, and said they were probably just some stupid freshman that had a little too much to drink. I must admit though it felt kinda fun to be hit on by them. Especially since that was the first time a guy has ever talked to me first instead of one of my friends. Granted they were probably just looking for something that I have nothing to do with, but it was still a hilarious situation. My friends all agreed I could pull off the biker chick look, and who knows what the future will hold...I'm still just really excited about my new jacket =D

A Moment in Time - KB

Thought I'd post some shots from an impromptu photo shoot we had this afternoon. These are just the first few of KB that I got edited. Let me know what'cha think!

Where's The Love?

Wednesday, I got the opportunity to speak at our Wednesday night church Prayer Meeting. This isn't really a big deal, but my boss/pastor wanted me to preach so he could critique me and help give me pointers to make me better in the long run. Unfortunately, on Monday I developed a sore throat and have yet to get rid of it. I felt so bad yesterday that I was to the the point I didn't really care what I said, I just wanted it to be over so I could go home and get back to bed. It didn't go as well as I had hoped, actually it was far from it, but it was a learning experience and I doubt I'll ever get a chance to speak when I feel 100% and can focus solely on that.

Our small town has recently been in the midst of some pretty strong controversy. There's been a racial divide in our community for a long time, but it has kind of bubbled up to the surface. There was a movement to rename the main thoroughfare in town Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard instead of the traditional Pine St. The biggest problem was touted as being the way the council members went about bringing this up, as a kind of back-room deal, but really the issue runs much deeper than this. The vote was showed to have been done against some of the city ordinances so they revoted and the issue didn't pass. The horrible thing in all of this is that some of the council members received death threats from some of the more redneck outspoken people of our town. The racism is just running rampant in our town, led by many of the fine outstanding "Christian" citizens. On top of that the county is voting in November on whether or not to allow the county to go wet (sell alcohol). These two issues have brought out the terrible side of folks in this city. It continues to amaze me how we get so bent out of shape over the little things. Are we on our deathbeds really going to look back and think, "Man, if only I'd kept the county from going wet."? Odds are we're not. A friend once told me to look at issues in light of their eternal relevance. This advice has helped keep me from sweatin' the small stuff, and trying to look at the big picture instead of getting bogged down in the little details. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying we shouldn't have or express our own opinions because I fully believe we should do both, but I do think we should do so out of an attitude of respect and tolerance. Not the way the Rev. Terry Jones is professing to. Sorry for the soap box today, but this has just been really getting under my skin lately. I just can't believe that some folks feel the name of a city street is worth killing someone over.

On another note, something amazing happened the other day as well. Like I mentioned above, I'd been feeling sick all week, and had posted something on facebook to that effect. JC, my adopted mom, saw my post then sent me a text message (she's normally part of the non-texting crowd) and told me she was going to run to the pharmacy and get me medicine, checked if I had eaten, and that just completely overwhelmed me. It's been so long since I had a "Mom" to look after me. I was just taken aback at the love she showed, and it just filled my heart with joy and heartache all at once. While I mourned the lack of my own mother, I rejoiced at the care and tenderness JC showed. She has no idea how much better her simple action made me feel. And she also sat through my sermon Wednesday night, which is a loving act in and of itself. I just thank God for the blessing of my adopted family. I've been extremely homesick lately, and they have just taken me into their arms, fed me, and made me feel at home here in the foriegn land of Arkansas. The love they, and others, have shown me has helped balance out my frustration at all the junk that's been going on here lately. I really do love my adopted family! They'll probably both kill me if they ever read this though, and JC just hates this pic :)

Ageless Music

 This summer I started playing with a local community band. I say local, but it's really about an hour away. Every Thursday TC and I go up to band practice, and after every 2nd summer rehearsal we had a concert. The band is made up of mostly folks over 50, many of them retired music professors. The summer concert sets are all based around different themes (Gershwin, Song and Dance, Cartoon Kaleidoscope). I have really enjoyed being a part of the band, and the 4 hrs it makes me take off every week for rehearsal and drivetime. Sadly, tomorrow is our last summer concert. The theme is "All that Jazz" and is based off of all the old Big Band and Jazz Classics. Pieces from Louis Armstrong, Glen Miller, and a bunch of dixieland stuff mixed in for good measure. One of my favorite parts of this concert is the little dixieland solo group pictured to the right in the picture above (my apologies on the poor pic quality, I had to take it on my iphone).  These guys are all well over 60 years old.  The trumpet player sits next to me in the regular set-up and just celebrated his 84th birthday! The trombone player has arthritis, and loss of strength in his right arm, so he has a rig that sits on his chest to hold his horn up for him. That is real dedication. They don't always sound the best in the world, but man, they love every second of it! These guys have been playing since high school, and haven't given it up. For Bill, that means he's been playing trumpet for at least 70 years! I can't even fathom that. It's so great to be able to play alongside these guys and to pick up on their passion and zeal for life as well as for music. It's really a testament about how important it is to stick with something you love. Music is something that just reaches beyond age, race, and gender and connects us all. As I wrote in an earlier post, I'm just simply amazed at how we can find common ground in music, even though we may have different preferences. I just love music, and am grateful that my director spent the time to teach me to play trumpet, because otherwise I might resort to singing, and that would not be pleasant for anyone. I hope when I'm 84, I can still play like these guys, and more importantly, I hope I have as much joy and happiness as they do.

Never The Same Again

 Today's post comes from something we talked about in my Crisis Counseling class today.  I figured I'd walk you through the same thing we did, and give my thoughts on the topic.

First, pull out a blank sheet of paper.

Next, write your name in big bold letters right across the middle of the page.

Then, crumple up the paper into the smallest wad possible. Really scrunch it up and kinda beat it into the smallest shape you can.

Then, try to straighten the paper back to it's perfect original shape. No wrinkles, no rough edges...the exact state it existed in before you squished it up. 

In case you didn't notice, it's absolutely impossible to do. Once you've crumpled the paper up it will always have the scars of injury upon it. Even taking a hot iron to it will not completely restore it to it's former glory. That piece of paper represents our lives, and every tragedy that we have faced, regardless of how big or small it seemed at the time. There is nothing that we come through wholly untouched, and we are never the same after having undergone such things. For better or worse we have been changed. We may heal and and come to a place of understanding, but those scars will always be there either physically, mentally, or emotionally. It's interesting to think how the traumas we face in our lives impact us and influence us drastically, especially if not properly faced and cared for. This is not meant to discourage us and cause us to think that we'll never get over something traumatic that happens, but just to help us understand that having undergone that situation becomes a part of who we are. Just as the  paper is still useful for many things, it can still be written on, used to make a paper airplane, pretty much everything it was useful for before, we too can come through trauma and still live up to our full potential as human beings, although that may ultimately look different than what we had originally planned.

Sorry if today is a downer post, it's not meant to be. I somehow felt reassured by this discussion in class; like although I have all these painful emotional scars that will never fully go away, I'm still going to be able to deal with them and look past them to have a full productive life. Who knows, maybe I'll even be able to help someone else dealing with the same kinds of things. I'm really looking forward to taking this Crisis Counseling class this semester on one level, but on another it's going to be like "putting your emotions through a meat grinder." This is the advanced warning, that some of my overflow from the class may end up being dumped into the blogosphere :)