Empty Wishes

Written in memory of my mother, Dianna Ruth Bensmiller Bryan (Oct. 2, 1957 - June 16, 1997).

Mom,

It's hard to believe it's been 13 years since that day. I can still remember every detail, every word, the exact way I felt when I found out I'd never see you again. "It was cancer," they said, "She wasn't in pain, never even knew she had it, and went quickly and peacefully." It didn't help much then, and I must admit it still doesn't ease the ache I feel. The old adage says time heals all wounds, but today it hurts the just as much as it did then. I just wish that I could see you one last time to tell you how much I love you and always will. How I wish you could see the wonderful women H & S have become. You would be so proud of them. It hasn't always been easy, but Dad has always been there for us. We dubbed him Mr. Mom when we were younger, and he's done all he could to live up to the nickname. He was at every concert, every ballgame, every little thing we were ever involved in as kids. He still misses you so much. We all do. S was so little when you passed, she doesn't remember as much as H and I do, but we have told her all about you. All about your big smile, your magnificent hugs, and your heart of love so full it never ran dry. How I wish we could have said goodbye. It was all so unexpected, so sudden. I don't think I'll ever forget that day. Or the look on Dad's face when he came home from the hospital. I instantly knew what had happened. I've tried over the years to be there for them as much as I could, but a big sister is a poor substitute for a mother. S has become like a daugher to me, and I love her more than life itself. I often wonder what she would have been like if she'd had you to guide her through life instead of me and H, probably would have been even more amazing than she already is. I just miss you more than words can express. Every once in a while I still catch myself wanting to pick up the phone to call you and tell you about something and I have to go through reminding myself that I can't. It's like losing you all over again. I fear that the ache in my heart will never really go away. It's become a part of me. They all say I remind them of you. Grammy still calls me Dianna half the time, and all the other relatives do a double take when they see me at reunions. I only hope to be half the person you were. You had such a big heart, such a love for people, no matter who they were. I know you wouldn't want us to dwell on missing you, you'd want us to be thankful that you had a full and blessed life, but it's just so hard sometimes. It feels like there's a whole in my heart that can't be filled, no matter how hard I try. An pain so intense that I still cry myself to sleep sometimes, even though it's been so long since you were taken from me. Every year I spend this day remembering all the wonderful times we shared. Dyeing Easter eggs, planting the garden at the school, making Halloween costumes (my Zorro one was definitely the best!), and of course, bird watching. Probably the biggest lesson I learned from you was that you never know how long you have on this Earth so you need to live, love, and learn all you can everyday. I've got a great life, full of people I love, and blessed beyond measure, but I can't help but wonder what it would be like with you here. Having you here to help decorate my new apartment, to chat with about my newest crush or heartbreak, to tell me it's going to be okay even when I firmly believe that it isn't. I know it doesn't pay to dwell in the past, but today I remember you. I love you more than anything, and I always will.

Your daughter,

Ruth

When I started this blog I swore I wouldn't post YouTube videos on here, but this song has helped me through some pretty rough times so I thought I'd make an exception today in case someone came across this who was going through a similar situation. "Save A Place For Me" - Matthew West