Faith and Doubt

"There lives more faith in honest doubt, believe me, than in half the creeds."
-Alfred, Lord Tennyson

I have always been a person of deep faith, but as I've studied theology and philosophy in college I began to question the beliefs I had held since childhood. Realizing much of what I thought came only from what I had been taught as a child, I embarked on a journey to discover what I believed for myself. As I began to question and dig deeper than than the traditional "party lines," I found myself wanting more. The simple answer of, "Just have faith." was no longer enough. As I asked the hard questions I felt adrift in an endless sea of ideas and opinions. I began to resent those who forced their beliefs on others. We all have the right to place our faith in whomever or whatever we want. It's interesting how people often make fun of others for insisting what they believe is right,when they obviously think they're right or they wouldn't believe as they do. What amazed me most was the reaction my friends had to my ruminations. They felt I was being faithless and cerebral, overthinking the things we had all believed for as long as we could remember. It felt like I was alone, not understood by anyone, my quest mine and mine alone. Thankfully my three mentors (a pastor, a professor, and a lawyer) have encouraged me on my journey and spent many hours in deep conversation with me about the different issues I have faced. I'm grateful they are willing to discuss and debate topics without ever forcing their opinions on me. It's often frustrating and even challenging to try to figure out where I stand on things, but I appreciate the chance to figure it out for myself. I'm not really sure where this journey is going to take me, but I plan to enjoy the ride and not "make my judgements blind." Many people say that this is a common experience for folks my age, we all get to a point where we have to see where we stand. Still, I envy those who can continue on in the childlike innocence of their youth. Like the quote above, I seem to have found more faith lately in my honest doubt than in all the creeds I've professed. I guess we all have to come to terms with what we place our faith in, and I'm interested to see where my path will lead.

The following poem was given to me by one of my mentors to encourage me in my quest. It is from Alfred Lord Tennyson's, In Memoriam A.H.H. XCVI. My favorite lines are about facing the spectres of the mind and ultimately finding a stronger faith in the end, although I suspect it's different than the person planned it to be.

You say, but with no touch of scorn,

Sweet-hearted, you, whose light-blue eyes

Are tender over drowning flies,

You tell me, doubt is Devil-born.

I know not: one indeed I knew

In many a subtle question versed,

Who touch'd a jarring lyre at first,

But ever strove to make it true:

Perplext in faith, but pure in deeds,

At last he beat his music out.

There lives more faith in honest doubt,

Believe me, than in half the creeds.

He fought his doubts and gather'd strength,

He would not make his judgment blind,

He faced the spectres of the mind

And laid them: thus he came at length

To find a stronger faith his own;

And Power was with him in the night,

Which makes the darkness and the light,

And dwells not in the light alone,

But in the darkness and the cloud,

As over Sinaï's peaks of old,

While Israel made their gods of gold,

Altho' the trumpet blew so loud.

(A bit of blog maintence: I've also updated the Phooling Around , and About Me pages)