Tragedy #001 - Guilt

Pretty straightforward and heartfelt post today. Just going to write how I'm feeling cause I really need to try to sort out my thoughts. I'm still struggling with the decision of what to do in regards to my grandmother with Alzheimer's. After reading Lyndsie's post over at "Life As We Know It," I convinced myself I had to make every effort to do the right thing or risk living with severe regrets. Problem is, I don't know what the right thing is. The shock of the situation has worn off a bit, and getting to talk to two of my mentors about it has helped, but all I've really done is put myself in between a rock and a hard place. Part of me knows if I don't try to call and talk to her, possibly one last time, I will end up regretting it for the rest of my life. Then the other part of me chimes in with the thought, "What will I say to her?". Do I try to convince her she should fight? Do I push her to not give up? Or do I simply act like it's all okay, and she's not doing this to herself, say my goodbyes and let her go? I feel like no one in my family is doing anything to prevent this. They've all simply accepted it, and are just going to let her do what she wants. It's really not my place or my responsibility to do something, but I feel like I shouldn't take this lying down. If my mom was here, I can guarantee you she'd be on her way over there right now and would literally shove the food and meds down my grandmother's throat if she had to. Not a day goes by that I don't wish I could have said goodbye to my mother, to have hugged her neck, and told her I loved her one last time. I don't want the same thing to happen here, but it feels like if I do say my goodbyes I'm simply condoning her act. If someone sent me a note saying they  were going to go jump off a bridge, I would definitley act on it. There would be no doubt in my mind that I was going to do something to keep them from doing so. I don't see how what my grandmother is doing is any different. She could still have several more lucid, fulfilling years to spend with her kids and grandkids and that is where my heart is stuck. If the Alzheimer's was in it's last stages, and she could no longer remember significant facts of her life then I think I could accept this a little easier. I understand her not wanting to get to that point, but my mother died of cancer and I garauntee you, that given the chance she would have endured chemo and radiation and all their side effects, if it meant she could spend a couple more hours with her family. But instead of focusing on what she could have my grandmother has decided to focus only on the negative and is intent on subjecting herself to a slow, drawn out, painful, lonely passing. About a sentece ago I realized this is essentially the same post I wrote a couple days ago, but some part of me feels this is the best way to sort out my feelings. If I try to say it out loud I get about two sentences in before the tears well up, and I can't continue. Somehow sharing the workings of my mind with the rest of the blogosphere (or at least the 3 of you that read this :D ) seems to help me sort out my thoughts. Tomorrow morning I'm going to try to call my grandmother. Not sure what I'm going to say, or if I'll even get to talk to her, but I've decided to make the call. Tonight will probably be filled with much tossing and turing, and probably several hours of writing reading, but we shall see what happens. I just don't want to do something that will add to the guilt I've carried around for years over other situations and have finally started to let go of. Seems like as soon as I let go of one thing, something else steps right up to take it's place. I'm determined to do the right thing here, so here's hoping (and praying) that come tomorrow I'll know what that is.