The Will to Live

Really need to get something off my mind, even though it makes two posts for today.

My grandmother, on my Mom's side, has Alzheimer's. We found this out about a year ago, I guess. Since then we've slowly learned to deal with the effects of that disease; the mental lapses, dementia, the vacant looks. It's been extremely hard to deal with, especially since every time I visit her we have the same discussion. Where I'm going to school (and have been for the last 3 years), what I'm studying, how she thinks I'm throwing my life away. It's gotten so hard to hear every time I talk to her that I'm a failure in her eyes, and nothing I ever do is good enough that I admit I've just stopped calling and visiting these last couple of months. It's just gotten so hard. I still love her so much, but I can't deal with nothing I do ever meeting her expectations. My plans for the future are just a drop in the pond of what she wants me to be. In her eyes, I should be a politician and become the first female President of the United States, which is something I would never want. A long time ago I made the decision to live my life, to do what I felt I should do, but I still feel like I've let her down. On her worse days, she thinks I'm my mom, who passed away when I was 8. I just have to go along with it and try to answer as my mother would have, which just dredges up all sorts of aches at the thought of my mom not being there. And now, I feel guilty about not staying in touch, even though she doesn't remember if I call or visit or not. We just got a phone call a few minutes ago saying she is going downhill in a hurry. She's lost the will to live. She won't eat, and is refusing to take her Alzheimer's meds. The horrible thing is I've been home for a week, only a couple hours away from her house, and I haven't visited, and now I have to go back to work and there's a strong chance I won't ever see her again. This sucks. I just feel like dissolving in a puddle of tears and regret, but I know that I can't. I know I should pick up the phone and call here, just to make sure I talk to her one last time, but I just can't make myself go through that just yet. I just have trouble accepting that she's decided to die. Even though she has Alzheimer's, with the right medication and diet she still could have several good years to spend with her kids, and grandkids. I can't accept that she's just going to give up. It just seems so selfish of me to want her to fight, and so selfish of her to want to die. I just want to scream, to hit something, to do anything but hold it together but I can't. Unfortunately, I'm the oldest grandkid and am expected to be the one to have it all together. I hate funerals, I'll avoid them at all costs, but this is one that I know is coming, and that just makes it all that much worse. I just want to call her, and yell, and tell her that she has to fight, she has to try, but I can't. I understand her reasoning, but I can't accept that she won't fight for her life. I just can't.